First, to understand me and Derrick's state of mind right now, you simply must go and see this definition for the word enthralled. And if you don't, I'm about to give it to you. It's simply this:
1. To hold spellbound; captivate.
2. To enslave.
An interesting double-word, don't you think? And this pretty much sums up the roller coaster that is my fragile mental state right now. One moment, I'm at the top, truly captivated by the exciting possibilities, and the next I'm downcast and morose, lost in the worrying tides of change.
Years ago I came across a passage in Frances Mayes' work, Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy. (Please banish all thoughts of that atrocious movie with Diane Lane. The book is so much better and unbelievably different.) She talks about her love for houses. Mayes' sister will ask, "What is her house like?" and it is understood she means "what is she like?"
She writes that one "summer I stayed in a little casa in San Miguel de Allende in which I developed a serious love for fountained courtyards and bedrooms with bougainvillea cascading down the balcony. . .One summer in Santa Fe, I started looking at adobes there, imagining I would become a Southwesterner, cook with chilies, wear squash blossom turquoise jewelry--a different life, the chance to be extant in another version. At the end of a month I left and never have wanted to return" (15 my emphasis).
It took me a long time to find that passage again. One of the many times I've kicked myself for not highlighting and dog-earing a page I knew I'd want to find again. For reasons unknown, this passage really spoke to me. Maybe because I'm always imagining the person I'll become. Where I feel I'll belong some day. Where I'll finally come home. The idea of home is always an elusive one for me. Maybe it is for you too.
And right now Derrick and I are trying to find out where our home will be for the next few years. As it happens when couples cross-apply, we've realized that we're going to have to make the difficult move of choosing between his program or mine. We had decided to stay at BYU for my master's until we unexpectedly received word back about a program Derrick had applied to in New York City. So right now it's between Provo, the familiar, and NYC, the very-much-unknown.
Like Mayes, I'll be enthralled by fantasies of myself as adjusted New Yorker. Unafraid of the subways. Maneuvering the sidewalks. Shopping at flea markets and farmer's markets to my heart's content. Maybe even starting a rooftop garden on top of my walk-up apartment building and raising some urban chickens. Sometimes I even dream of participating in this rather intimidating food co-op. And then suddenly the spellbound imagination will change from benevolent to scary, enslaved intimidation, fear and doubt.
As we've started to think more seriously about favoring Derrick's program, I've found that this has been a real grieving process for me. I started out extremely angry and bitter. It was bad. Believe me, it was bad. Then I'd alternate between numbness and depression. And I'm still kind of there sometimes, although it is periodically interspersed with optimism and peace of mind. I'm not giving up on grad school (and I hope and pray it doesn't give up on me). I'll reapply soon, and if we do end up in New York, there are lots of schools in the area I can apply to (unlike the situation here for Derrick), so I'm hopeful.
A decision has not officially been made. Anything could happen. We tend to be spur-of-the-moment, unpredictable decision-makers.
But can I tell you what I've been thinking lately? And it relates back to that Mayes' quote. There is a part of me that believes that sometimes people belong to places. That there really is a perfect home and environment for some people. Maybe. But another thought that has been burgeoning in the back of my mind is that maybe coming home means nothing more than building a home within yourself. In the words of one essayist, "I now know that I can be transported to a place of peace. . .That sacred place of inner calm is my home in the world. It must travel with me wherever I go" (Tinsley 184).
An interesting double-word, don't you think? And this pretty much sums up the roller coaster that is my fragile mental state right now. One moment, I'm at the top, truly captivated by the exciting possibilities, and the next I'm downcast and morose, lost in the worrying tides of change.
Years ago I came across a passage in Frances Mayes' work, Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy. (Please banish all thoughts of that atrocious movie with Diane Lane. The book is so much better and unbelievably different.) She talks about her love for houses. Mayes' sister will ask, "What is her house like?" and it is understood she means "what is she like?"
She writes that one "summer I stayed in a little casa in San Miguel de Allende in which I developed a serious love for fountained courtyards and bedrooms with bougainvillea cascading down the balcony. . .One summer in Santa Fe, I started looking at adobes there, imagining I would become a Southwesterner, cook with chilies, wear squash blossom turquoise jewelry--a different life, the chance to be extant in another version. At the end of a month I left and never have wanted to return" (15 my emphasis).
It took me a long time to find that passage again. One of the many times I've kicked myself for not highlighting and dog-earing a page I knew I'd want to find again. For reasons unknown, this passage really spoke to me. Maybe because I'm always imagining the person I'll become. Where I feel I'll belong some day. Where I'll finally come home. The idea of home is always an elusive one for me. Maybe it is for you too.
And right now Derrick and I are trying to find out where our home will be for the next few years. As it happens when couples cross-apply, we've realized that we're going to have to make the difficult move of choosing between his program or mine. We had decided to stay at BYU for my master's until we unexpectedly received word back about a program Derrick had applied to in New York City. So right now it's between Provo, the familiar, and NYC, the very-much-unknown.
Like Mayes, I'll be enthralled by fantasies of myself as adjusted New Yorker. Unafraid of the subways. Maneuvering the sidewalks. Shopping at flea markets and farmer's markets to my heart's content. Maybe even starting a rooftop garden on top of my walk-up apartment building and raising some urban chickens. Sometimes I even dream of participating in this rather intimidating food co-op. And then suddenly the spellbound imagination will change from benevolent to scary, enslaved intimidation, fear and doubt.
As we've started to think more seriously about favoring Derrick's program, I've found that this has been a real grieving process for me. I started out extremely angry and bitter. It was bad. Believe me, it was bad. Then I'd alternate between numbness and depression. And I'm still kind of there sometimes, although it is periodically interspersed with optimism and peace of mind. I'm not giving up on grad school (and I hope and pray it doesn't give up on me). I'll reapply soon, and if we do end up in New York, there are lots of schools in the area I can apply to (unlike the situation here for Derrick), so I'm hopeful.
A decision has not officially been made. Anything could happen. We tend to be spur-of-the-moment, unpredictable decision-makers.
But can I tell you what I've been thinking lately? And it relates back to that Mayes' quote. There is a part of me that believes that sometimes people belong to places. That there really is a perfect home and environment for some people. Maybe. But another thought that has been burgeoning in the back of my mind is that maybe coming home means nothing more than building a home within yourself. In the words of one essayist, "I now know that I can be transported to a place of peace. . .That sacred place of inner calm is my home in the world. It must travel with me wherever I go" (Tinsley 184).
Works Cited:Mayes, Frances. Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy. Broadway Books, NY 1996.
A Woman's Path. Kim Tinsley. Travelers' Tales, Berkeley, California 2000.
9 comments:
Decisions like this are SO stressful. I think you'll be so relieved when you make your final decision and then you can start embracing it. And if that decision IS New York City we are totally going to come and visit you!
The wonderful thing about being alive today, is that no matter where you go, you can always learn and grow and information will always be at your fingertips. I haven't been in school for a few years, but my addiction to learning has been well satiated. I know you will do the same, and maybe discover a great place to start a career.
Wow! What a major decision. I know how much grad school means to you. I'm sure that no matter what you choose, it will work out for you. But I also know that there will be regret over whichever one you have to give up (for now). NYC does sound like fun, but BYU is familiar and that's nice too. Good luck, cousin. Oh, and I know it's cliché, but I'm a believer in "home is where the heart is." You can be happy anywhere.
What a tough decision. I love that last quote you cited. I think that inner calm/peace can be found through the gospel - which you can surround yourself with wherever you end up! I'm also sorry to admit I didn't even realize Under the Tuscan Sun was a book before it was a movie. I'll have to add it to the list!
This was well-written and clearly communicated for something that is still so raw and agonizing. I hope that writing it was cathartic on some level. I have a lot of excitement about either route you could take; I see great things in your future regardless. But I also think a peaceful "inner calm" will be one of the greatest things!
I loved this blog! I have been going through a lot of struggle trying to make decisions of where I should live and what life path I should take next lately. I get really attached to places and hate change (even though I don't like to admit it). I do agree that peace and home come from within- but that doesn't make it any easier! Loved the quotes! I think you will both grow a lot with whatever decision feels best!
I'm sure you've heard people say (because I have a million times) that if you don't finish your schooling now, or you take a break, that life gets in the way (blah blah blah). But I think that's a load of crap. If that's partly what's worrying you, DON'T let it! I know you Jen, and any goals you set I have 100% confidence that you will attain. You never do anything mediocre and whatever situation you find yourself in, you use it to your advantage and grow and learn from it and that's why I think you're amazing!
Thanks, Nancy. That's actually been the hardest part of this.
Change is so hard, I really have a rough time with it. I'm sure things will turn out for the best for you, even if thats not believable sometimes. You are a great person who is, with no doubt, going to (are doing) do great things in your life.
Ps i LOVE that last quote you shared. I 'm going to keep that one. Thanks for sharing.
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