day of reckoning

So it's that time of year where I make new resolutions. But first I need to account for those of yesteryear, right? If not, I mean, what's the point? So I'll tick off the goals I had for the year and then tackle the nittier grittier task of accounting for how my theme of the year changed my year and, hopefully, how it changed me.

My 2012 goal list:
Let me preface this list by saying that our lives are a little more topsy-turvy and unpredictable than might be advisable. So some of the completion of these goals (they surely would have been completed, fear not) may have been intercepted by outside circumstances.

• graduate. the mightiest of checks must be assigned to this one. it took me like, seven years to graduate and i did it with a child starting at four months and ending at three years of age. i am absolutely happy and proud to have achieved this goal. 

• get into grad school. this also happened with a few setbacks. so far it's going well.

• get an A in stats. oh, and pass my other classes too. i actually achieved this goal as well. i have never been prouder of a grade in my life. and i passed my other classes too.

• * if you remember, this goal represented an announcement i wasn't yet ready to make. but i did in fact go on an internship to jordan and it was a marvelous, life-changing, unforgettable experience.

• garden. this was one of those goals interrupted by the vicissitudes of fate. our apartment in south jordan promised to be fertile ground for this goal, but we moved just after i had planted our carrots and radishes. when i came back from jordan i did plant some strawberries, squash, and tomatoes in buckets. only the strawberries and tomatoes produced though. i'm still working on the gardening-in-nyc-thing.  

• canning. i canned a thing or two. i believe i canned some apple sauce and tomato sauce and we quickly ate both. i actually bothered to bring my canning equipment with me to our new york city apartment, so i must not be done with this goal yet.

• do a single sewing project. I like to dream big, but if I commit to more than one I may be too intimidated to do even one. no, i didn't even do one. but i also bothered to bring my unused sewing machine with me, so apparently i'm not abandoning this goal just yet either.

• progress in violin. have I mentioned I've picked it up again? i did pick it up again. then i moved to jordan for two months. yet another thing i brought with me to new york city, but i haven't found the time or money to take lessons again and haven't been practicing on my own either. boo.

• shop more at farmer's markets and pick-your-owns. i did both of these, and i continue to try to do it here in new york city. shopping for local produce in jordan was breezy, and i loved frequenting a pick-your-own in provo when i returned. the farmers markets in my new locale are a favorite feature, though i'd like to buy more produce and less yummy treats.

• make cheese and yogurt. from scratch. no to the cheese, but i learned to make homemade yogurt and i continue to do so because it's so easy and economical. cheese would be fun though, and i'm not saying no to this in my future.

• change my name officially to Bracken-Hull. i'm still debating this one. it's a complicated decision.

• be more honest about who I am. this might mean some scary admissions concerning mormon feminism. be ye warned. i think this goal has been generally met and i think i have become less fearful about sharing where i stand and don't stand on this and other topics. 

Now for my larger theme of celebrating. I didn't execute this goal as I had initially thought I would. I thought I would start celebrating all kinds of new holidays and snazzing up those I usually ignored until the very last minute. To some degree, this is what happened. I did in fact celebrate a holiday I hadn't in the past, but had always wanted to, and I plan to continue with this tradition every year from now on. I also marked the passage of some holidays that I had previously ignored or dismissed. I quickly realized, however, that I agree wholeheartedly with Gretchen Rubin in Happier at Home (2012) when she says "I love traditions--but I dislike hassle. I could barely keep up with the big traditions we already celebrated (not to mention the demands of ordinary life)" (p. 177).  Adding more to your plate doesn't necessarily equal a more celebratory spirit. 

I realized halfway through the year that two of my special interests--mindfulness and minimalism--truly captured what I had wanted to experience by making "celebrate" my theme of the year. I don't believe that more equals better, more memorable, or special. I don't think that adding more to our plates helps us appreciate what we already have on our plates to a better degree. Adding more occasions to celebrate didn't make me more mindful or appreciative of the occasions I already had to celebrate. For the record, I am not opposed to adding new occasions to our celebrating repertoire. I just think they should be added more methodically and thoughtfully than my first haphazard attempts were. So for the most part, I abandoned that early vision of my project. Also, due to my minimalist streak, I generally don't like celebrating by accumulating more stuff. So Derrick and I both added cooking--something nourishing, useful, fun, and delicious--as our largest way of commemorating special occasions.

 I also tried to be more mindful of the passing moments; of moments that would never come again in just this way. As I wrote elsewhere, my time in Jordan taught me to practice a little more carpe diem and YOLO and I have memories from the experience I will always treasure. But being in Jordan also helped me recognize how easy it is to take for granted my moments of precious time with my family. Part of mindfulness and minimalism is prioritizing. Everything presents a choice, even what to celebrate. For instance, celebrate my return from Jordan with more much-needed time with my family? Or by achieving a goal that might pay off in the future? Even now, even though I would dearly like to be more confident in my Spanish-speaking abilities, I am satisfied that I made the right choice for me. And I also know that other opportunities to work on my Spanish can be readily available if I prioritize it in the future, whereas being with my daughter at that moment when she needed me and I needed her after our long separation, was a fleeting moment in time.
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Another unlikely discovery I made was the importance of  recording our celebrations and experiences. Gretchen Rubin writes about "spending out" as happiness-inducing. I resisted it. Greatly. But then I read this article about how spending money on experiences, not things, can be a great addition to happiness. This I could get on board with. But the article also mentioned that the memory of those experiences can pay off in happiness dividends later down the road. I have to say that the unexpected gift of an iphone (from my FIL) after my return from Jordan has payed off in happiness dividends and helped me be more mindful of passing moments so I can celebrate them more. Having a camera and video recorder always handy has been a fantastic boon to my theme this year, as weird as it sounds. 

I didn't know when I made "celebrate" my theme of the year all the changes that the year would bring for me and my family. Looking back, I see my choice of theme as prodigious. To live in New York without being mindful of the passing moments and opportunities would be a crying shame. And to live here without recording those moments would be equally egregious. But these things would be just as woeful in Jordan, or Budapest, or London, or tiny-town USA. Celebrating means loving life. Remembering how finite we are and how finite are those around us. Keeping a record of our tiny space here on earth and in time. It means we allow ourselves to enjoy the good life: eating good food; seeing new things; meeting new people; nurturing valued relationships; honoring beloved rituals and traditions; starting new ones; learning; and allowing ourselves to expand through our love, knowledge and experiences. I've certainly expanded this year, and it's been wonderful.

Theme of the Year

A year ago a good friend of mine posted this about choosing a one-word theme for her upcoming year; a word that would define her actions and focus her energy. It seemed like an attractive enough idea. I scratched my head but nothing came to mind that stuck as a defining word for my own year (although happily she found one that stuck and did wonders for her).

I did some traditional journal-writing last night, which I'm pretty awful about doing consistently (and thus this blog!). It worked its magic as a notoriously therapeutic practice and I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about my life and the future.

And a year after Lindsay's post I came up with the perfect word to be my theme this year. Ready?

Celebrate.

That's it. This is my word. As I've mentioned in other posts, this is something I'm not so good at. Working hard? Check. Muddling through? Check. Celebrating? No. Not at all. So in the coming weeks, months maybe, I'll be thinking a lot about what this word theme is going to mean. Parties, confetti, and pin the tail on the donkey? Hardly. I want to get at the root of what this word is going to mean for me and the decisions I make this year.

Here's something I already know: "celebrate" elicits some mixed feelings! On one hand it represents exhilarating newness (as in "never done that before!"). On the other hand, it represents homey, comfy tradition. So how do these two ideas become reconciled into a word as simple as "celebrate"? Give me time, I'll figure it out. Above all else, I've realized that "celebrate" is going to be an essential part of my developing relationship with my daughter this year and this is so very, very important to me. I want to be better at celebrating her and celebrating us.

So stay tuned for more updates on my game plan on celebrating.

In the spirit of traditional New Year's housekeeping, here's a list of my less lofty goals for this year:

• graduate.



• get into grad school.



• get an A in stats. oh, and pass my other classes too.



• *



• garden.



• canning.



• do a single sewing project. I like to dream big, but if I commit to more than one I may be too intimidated to do even one.



• progress in violin. have I mentioned I've picked it up again?



• shop more at farmer's markets and pick-your-owns.



• make cheese and yogurt. from scratch.



• change my name officially to Bracken-Hull.



• be more honest about who I am. this might mean some scary admissions concerning mormon feminism. be ye warned.
  

*this is a secret goal I'm not ready to share right now. More news in the coming months. And no, I am not pregnant and have no plans to be so this year. I don't want to raise any false hopes!

Going Green

Photo from www.dbcpr.com

Maybe you don't believe humankind is responsible for global warming. Maybe you do. Maybe you are or aren't an environmentalist. Maybe you're as confused by all the conflicting things said about different methods of green-living as I sometimes am. Wherever you stand on the issue, I think certain aspects of going green make perfect sense - economically, socially, and of course, environmentally.

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Our family certainly doesn't rank on the higher echelon of eco-consciousness, but this isn't something we're proud of. Indeed, I've met several families that are exceedingly conscious of the health of the environment. They've worked their stance on environmental issues into the way they live and even the way they raise their children, battling needless consumerism and wasteful living. I deeply admire those families.

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This post, I hope, avoids a tone of self-satisfaction, because there is so much room for personal and family improvement. And though I will include some things we've been doing to make an attempt at green living, the main purpose of this post is to include a list of our yet-to-be-realized resolutions. Most importantly, I'm interested in opening this discussion up to you; to read ways in which, whether "going green"was your original goal or not, you've found sustainable green solutions for yourselves or your families, or your own goals for living in an environmentally-responsible manner.
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Recycling. I got into the habit of recycling while we lived in Boston, and silly as it may sound, it's addicting. For the brief period of time we lived in Utah without a recycling bin, I felt guilt-ridden everytime I threw away something I knew could be recycled. I imagined the plastic milk-container, the cereal box, the aluminum can taking up needless space in a landfill. So we've been renting a recycling bin and plan to do so forever (unless of course we move somewhere that has a more modern and comprehensive attitude towards recycling). Derrick even goes to the trouble of carting home recyclable materials from work. What a hunk.

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Consumerism. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, particularly after Christmas. Particularly after reading Chandler Hatch's "Ethical Consumption: Eat No Evil, Wear No Evil, Buy No Evil" in BYU's December Political Review. We're in the process of re-thinking Christmas while still preserving the most important aspects of it for us. In short, I'm interested in de-commercializing Christmas. Plans are in the works and aren't entirely formulated, but it might mean we will buy a lot less presents next year.

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Also, as I've mentioned before, I don't like buying plastic toys for Squirt. I like buying her used books. I like buying used clothes. I'm becoming increasingly interested in buying products, particularly food products, from companies that are actually interested in health and the environment. I take reusable bags to the grocery store. I rescue items from trash heaps I know we can use. Yay for me.

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What's Next? So much, I hope. One of my biggest regrets is not using cloth diapers for Squirt. At this stage in her development, however, it doesn't make much sense for us to introduce them, but we'll definitely use them for future children. Several of my friends make their own clothes and dishwasher detergent, which reduces cost, both financially and environmentally. This is something I want to learn to do. I loved our Christmas card this year, but next year I want to find a recyclable option (because let's face it, you've probably already thrown it away if you got one). I want to make more vegetarian meals. I want to learn to do simple sewing so I can repurpose or repair our clothes. I want to buy as locally as I can and grow more vegetables in our garden. In short, I want to buy less, consume less, and throw away less.

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So now I turn it over to whoever is reading this. There are lots of things I've missed, and my list is by no means exhaustive, but they are some things I've been thinking about lately. What about you? What have you done/are doing/want to do to live a little more responsibly? Please share!

Welcoming 2011

Photo courtesy of myfashionlife.com

I will be forever indebted to Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project for distinguishing between goals and resolutions. Sometimes we use the two terms interchangeably, blurring their respective meanings. Goals, she says, we set in order to reach some objective; like training for a marathon, or learning a language, or taking classes in order to get a degree. Resolutions are those tasks we set for ourselves in order to improve our lives, but they generally don't have a "done" or final moment at the end; like eating healthy, or exercising, or meditating. Of course there's some crossover, but you get the idea.

I'm afraid I've inherited Derrick's suspicion of New Year's Resolutions. I mean, really, if there's a change we need to make in our lives, it's a bit suspect to imagine that there's something magical about a date as arbitrary as the first of every year. So last year I didn't set a single goal or resolution. And I didn't even feel bad about it.

This year, however, I've spent more time thinking about some things I'd like to change. This isn't a comprehensive list at all. It might even seem weird and eclectic to my friends reading this. Sorry about that.

The overall concept defining this year is: preparation. I'll spare you the details, but I have a lot of preparing to do this year. Lots of goals are already in place to get me ready for things to come, but there are two specific resolutions, preparation aside, I want to focus on.

1. Once and for all, I want to conquer my fear of math. It's always been a major source of fear and anxiety for me and I want to work it into my head that there's nothing really scary about math. I'm taking a basic math course and will be making frequent visits to BYU's math lab.

2. Having a break from school was blissful in many ways. One way in which it was particularly nice was how laid-back I could be with Squirty. During the break I'd put her down for a nap, and she acted very reluctant. As usual she cried and she fussed. Normally, I'd have to ignore her as best I could, comforting her periodically and then quickly getting back to whatever I needed to do until she finally fell asleep. This particular nap-session, I realized that there was no urgency. There was nothing I desperately needed to get to, so I went and picked her up and held her until she fell asleep, like an angel in my arms. I had the most remarkable feeling that I had just accomplished something good and worthwhile.

Being married to a man with a background in neuroscience, I recognized that I was experiencing the lovely after-effects of oxytocin, the bonding chemical. I also recalled research I'd heard concerning women and the positive effects oxytocin has on them when they're stressed. Some specialists even recommend that working mothers don't try to escape their children at the end of a busy, stressful day, as they might be tempted to do, but to instead embrace them, play with them or otherwise bond with them as a more effective way of coping with stress. Silly as it may seem to readers, I resolved to hold Squirty until she falls asleep as often as I feel I can. It's good for both of us. I'm not going to have a chart; I'm not going to create a rigid schedule; I'm not going to commit myself to it every single day. But it's something I want to do more often, so I will.

Good luck to you, if you do decided to create some New Year's resolutions. I hope all of you have a lovely, lovely New Year.