moving

Hi reader,

you may have already heard via my facebook announcement but I am moving the blog.  You can read updates at pale cetacean.

I hope you'll continue to keep in touch.

love,

jen

day of reckoning

So it's that time of year where I make new resolutions. But first I need to account for those of yesteryear, right? If not, I mean, what's the point? So I'll tick off the goals I had for the year and then tackle the nittier grittier task of accounting for how my theme of the year changed my year and, hopefully, how it changed me.

My 2012 goal list:
Let me preface this list by saying that our lives are a little more topsy-turvy and unpredictable than might be advisable. So some of the completion of these goals (they surely would have been completed, fear not) may have been intercepted by outside circumstances.

• graduate. the mightiest of checks must be assigned to this one. it took me like, seven years to graduate and i did it with a child starting at four months and ending at three years of age. i am absolutely happy and proud to have achieved this goal. 

• get into grad school. this also happened with a few setbacks. so far it's going well.

• get an A in stats. oh, and pass my other classes too. i actually achieved this goal as well. i have never been prouder of a grade in my life. and i passed my other classes too.

• * if you remember, this goal represented an announcement i wasn't yet ready to make. but i did in fact go on an internship to jordan and it was a marvelous, life-changing, unforgettable experience.

• garden. this was one of those goals interrupted by the vicissitudes of fate. our apartment in south jordan promised to be fertile ground for this goal, but we moved just after i had planted our carrots and radishes. when i came back from jordan i did plant some strawberries, squash, and tomatoes in buckets. only the strawberries and tomatoes produced though. i'm still working on the gardening-in-nyc-thing.  

• canning. i canned a thing or two. i believe i canned some apple sauce and tomato sauce and we quickly ate both. i actually bothered to bring my canning equipment with me to our new york city apartment, so i must not be done with this goal yet.

• do a single sewing project. I like to dream big, but if I commit to more than one I may be too intimidated to do even one. no, i didn't even do one. but i also bothered to bring my unused sewing machine with me, so apparently i'm not abandoning this goal just yet either.

• progress in violin. have I mentioned I've picked it up again? i did pick it up again. then i moved to jordan for two months. yet another thing i brought with me to new york city, but i haven't found the time or money to take lessons again and haven't been practicing on my own either. boo.

• shop more at farmer's markets and pick-your-owns. i did both of these, and i continue to try to do it here in new york city. shopping for local produce in jordan was breezy, and i loved frequenting a pick-your-own in provo when i returned. the farmers markets in my new locale are a favorite feature, though i'd like to buy more produce and less yummy treats.

• make cheese and yogurt. from scratch. no to the cheese, but i learned to make homemade yogurt and i continue to do so because it's so easy and economical. cheese would be fun though, and i'm not saying no to this in my future.

• change my name officially to Bracken-Hull. i'm still debating this one. it's a complicated decision.

• be more honest about who I am. this might mean some scary admissions concerning mormon feminism. be ye warned. i think this goal has been generally met and i think i have become less fearful about sharing where i stand and don't stand on this and other topics. 

Now for my larger theme of celebrating. I didn't execute this goal as I had initially thought I would. I thought I would start celebrating all kinds of new holidays and snazzing up those I usually ignored until the very last minute. To some degree, this is what happened. I did in fact celebrate a holiday I hadn't in the past, but had always wanted to, and I plan to continue with this tradition every year from now on. I also marked the passage of some holidays that I had previously ignored or dismissed. I quickly realized, however, that I agree wholeheartedly with Gretchen Rubin in Happier at Home (2012) when she says "I love traditions--but I dislike hassle. I could barely keep up with the big traditions we already celebrated (not to mention the demands of ordinary life)" (p. 177).  Adding more to your plate doesn't necessarily equal a more celebratory spirit. 

I realized halfway through the year that two of my special interests--mindfulness and minimalism--truly captured what I had wanted to experience by making "celebrate" my theme of the year. I don't believe that more equals better, more memorable, or special. I don't think that adding more to our plates helps us appreciate what we already have on our plates to a better degree. Adding more occasions to celebrate didn't make me more mindful or appreciative of the occasions I already had to celebrate. For the record, I am not opposed to adding new occasions to our celebrating repertoire. I just think they should be added more methodically and thoughtfully than my first haphazard attempts were. So for the most part, I abandoned that early vision of my project. Also, due to my minimalist streak, I generally don't like celebrating by accumulating more stuff. So Derrick and I both added cooking--something nourishing, useful, fun, and delicious--as our largest way of commemorating special occasions.

 I also tried to be more mindful of the passing moments; of moments that would never come again in just this way. As I wrote elsewhere, my time in Jordan taught me to practice a little more carpe diem and YOLO and I have memories from the experience I will always treasure. But being in Jordan also helped me recognize how easy it is to take for granted my moments of precious time with my family. Part of mindfulness and minimalism is prioritizing. Everything presents a choice, even what to celebrate. For instance, celebrate my return from Jordan with more much-needed time with my family? Or by achieving a goal that might pay off in the future? Even now, even though I would dearly like to be more confident in my Spanish-speaking abilities, I am satisfied that I made the right choice for me. And I also know that other opportunities to work on my Spanish can be readily available if I prioritize it in the future, whereas being with my daughter at that moment when she needed me and I needed her after our long separation, was a fleeting moment in time.
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Another unlikely discovery I made was the importance of  recording our celebrations and experiences. Gretchen Rubin writes about "spending out" as happiness-inducing. I resisted it. Greatly. But then I read this article about how spending money on experiences, not things, can be a great addition to happiness. This I could get on board with. But the article also mentioned that the memory of those experiences can pay off in happiness dividends later down the road. I have to say that the unexpected gift of an iphone (from my FIL) after my return from Jordan has payed off in happiness dividends and helped me be more mindful of passing moments so I can celebrate them more. Having a camera and video recorder always handy has been a fantastic boon to my theme this year, as weird as it sounds. 

I didn't know when I made "celebrate" my theme of the year all the changes that the year would bring for me and my family. Looking back, I see my choice of theme as prodigious. To live in New York without being mindful of the passing moments and opportunities would be a crying shame. And to live here without recording those moments would be equally egregious. But these things would be just as woeful in Jordan, or Budapest, or London, or tiny-town USA. Celebrating means loving life. Remembering how finite we are and how finite are those around us. Keeping a record of our tiny space here on earth and in time. It means we allow ourselves to enjoy the good life: eating good food; seeing new things; meeting new people; nurturing valued relationships; honoring beloved rituals and traditions; starting new ones; learning; and allowing ourselves to expand through our love, knowledge and experiences. I've certainly expanded this year, and it's been wonderful.

chronic fatigue update

Several concerned parties have asked me lately about my health, in reference, probably, to this post I wrote a month or two ago.  I wasn't being dramatic. I really felt awful. A few weeks after writing it though I met with a wonderful, phenomenal endocrinologist who gave me the time of day and put me back on thyroid medication and checked out the slight bulge on my throat. The thyroid medication has made all the difference. Sometimes I still feel the need to nap inexplicably, and sometimes I still feel tired (though not the bone-aching, gut-hurting tiredness of before), and sometimes I have to be careful not to overdo it, but I feel exponentially better than I did when I wrote "bits 'n pieces".

About the slight bulge: it's not a goiter. It is a thyroid cyst, and although it doesn't interfere with the actual function of my thyroid the cells that make up the cyst do have a higher chance of becoming malignant, and there is the chance that it could become infected, so they prefer to remove it surgically. I'm scheduled to go in at the end of the month. It will require general anesthesia, but it is an in-and-out procedure, so I'll be able to leave the same day.

I was surprised on two counts when I wrote "bits 'n pieces". One, the outpouring of concern, advice, and well-wishes. Two, the number of women who have confided in me that they have also struggled with chronic fatigue, though they hid it as well as I often do and I never would have suspected had they not told me. Everyone's advice, even if it wasn't exactly applicable to my situation, was still appreciated because it indicated concern and that meant a lot to me. To the women I spoke to or exchanged messages with, knowing that you struggle with this and still do the remarkable things you do is inspiring to me. I may never function at 100% (whatever that is), but knowing that my energy is finite helps me to prioritize, clear out figurative and literal clutter, and pay closer attention to my health, all good things I might not have been so zealous about had I not had (and continue to have) this struggle.

On a final note I leave an open-ended question: Do you think it's possible for our roadblocks to become our blessings in the long-run?

early christmas adventures

This post includes pictures taken during the last month or so: Rockefeller Center, Bryant Park, Central Park, the Strand, Union Square Greenmarket, subway rides, Times Square, Tom's Restaurant.

As always, one of my reasons for eagerly anticipating a break in school is to get to my holiday (book) hit list. A book I just finished, called My First New York: Early Adventures in the Big City, is a collection of essays from New Yorkers who (generally) ended up making it big. Adversely, the book ended up being a disappointment. Despite my overall dissatisfaction with the book two quotes in particular stood out to me and called my name (Jeennnnnn!).

Dan Rather: journalist, arrived 1965.

"In Texas, we have something we call 'the Cortez moment,' which refers to when the great Spanish explorer and conquistador of Mexico came and set up camp and then burned his boats.  The phrase 'burn the boats' means there's nothing but forward, onward, no turning back or running home scared. It's a motto for New York as much as for Texas.  When you move here, if you're any good at all, you burn the boats." (p. 38-39)

David Rakoff: writer, arrived 1982.

"There was no specific moment when the rigorous self-consciousness gave way to authenticity. It was more of a dim realization that the very act of playing the 'Are we a New Yorker yet?' game means you aren't one yet.  But it eventually happens, dawning on you after the fact, tapping you on the shoulder after you've passed it.  It comes from an accretion of shitty jobs, deeply felt friendships that last, deeply felt friendships that end, funerals, marriages, divorces, births, and betrayals, and you wake up one day to realize that you passed the eight-year mark decades prior; that you are older than all of the characters in Manhattan, with the possible exception of Bella Abzug; that you have been to a party in the garden at MoMA and watched the sun come up over Sutton Place and the Fifty-ninth Street Bridge and decided that, in the end, you'd rather stay home; that only a rich moron would buy his groceries at Dean & DeLuca; and that, as fun and Margo Channing as it might seem to be drunk and witty and cutting, it's probably better in the long run to be kind.  These are the realizations endemic to aging anywhere, I am sure.  It must happen in other cities, but I've really only ever been a grown-up here." (p. 146-147)

 

Meanwhile, we eagerly look forward to a visit from Derrick's parents. And Christmas! I can't wait. I hope, whoever you are reading this, that you have a wonderful time celebrating this season and the end of this year. 

Haskell, D., Moss, A. (Eds.). (2010). My first New York: Early adventures in the big city. 

             New York: Harper Collins Publishing.

Pants: Why I changed my mind

A few days ago I had, in reference to the Wear Pants to Church Day event, stated that I wouldn’t be joining the group, based on my own conceptions of equality and my disagreement with how the event was initially framed (the event description has since changed for the better).  My feelings on these two counts have not changed. 

However, the amount of abusive language levied toward those who have chosen to participate has caused me to rethink my former position about joining the group.  Let me explain.

After 9/11, the United States became a hotbed of antagonism towards Arabs, Muslims and anyone who slightly looked like they belonged to either of these two groups, including Persians and Sikhs.  The hijab, or veil, that Muslim women wear became a focal point of anti-Muslim feeling.  Within days of the 9/11 attacks, reports of widespread abuse of Muslim women surfaced. Women were verbally harassed and name-called. Some Muslim women told of being called “rag-heads” or told to “go home!”  Another woman was shouted at: “America is only for white people!” Many were physically violated and attacked (Ahmed, 2011, p. 204-205).

In response to these attacks, other women—many of them non-Muslims—began to organize campaigns against these assaults. The hijab, which had been the site of so much consternation, was taken up and publically worn by these women in order to show solidarity for Muslim women in the country.  Interestingly, The Feminist Majority Foundation issued a Scarves for Solidarity event, which started, fortuitously enough, on December 16^th (2001).  Their invitation was simply for women to wear scarves to cover their hair during Eid Muslim celebratory days as a “simple gesture of solidarity” meant to “communicate love and peace for women who wish to dress in a modest fashion.”  

One woman explained her participation thus: “I think it’s really important to speak out . . . because who’s going to be there for me.  Any sort of act of hate is an act against me.”  The slogan “Them equals Us” was taken up (p. 205).

Some of the women who chose to participate in these campaigns did so despite the fact that many hadn’t agreed historically with the hijab as a symbol.  Many of them had previously held complicated or even antagonistic feelings towards the hijab itself. But what they didn’t have complicated feelings about was protesting the abuse of women who chose to wear it, no matter their reasons for doing so.

One woman, after organizing such an event was criticized “for embracing a tradition that is viewed by many as a symbol of Islam’s oppression of women." She responded that her only intention “had simply been to reach out to let Muslim women know that they were not alone.”

One woman who had previously disagreed with the hijab as a symbol changed her mind because, as she explained, “I understand how it marks you as an object for someone else’s hatred….It’s still the same fight, but the symbol means something different” (p. 206).    

The women who have joined the Wear Pants to Church Day group have been called "dumb bitch feminists", "lesbians", "selfish", "stupid", "angry and masculine", "idiotic", "insecure", and "apostate."  They have been told to leave the church, and that they are not welcome. 

While I still have complicated feelings about the use of pants as a symbol of equality, for the reasons I’ve explained before, and while I may not agree exactly with how the event was initially framed or launched, or even (especially?) how it has been defended by the participants, I do not harbor any complicated feelings about now joining the event in order to extend love, compassion, and goodwill towards my sisters and brothers in the gospel who might believe differently than the majority, but who belong at church with us, regardless of what they wear or why they wear it.

I won’t be sitting there in pants thinking about anything other than how remarkable it is that Jesus and our Church leaders welcome everyone, regardless of their beliefs, motivations, actions, apparel, race or sexual orientation, to come and sit and be with us as we worship Christ, who loves us, and who can save us all.   

Ahmed, L. (2011). A quiet revolution: the veil’s resurgence, from Middle East to

America. Yale University Press.

Why I wear pants to church

I don't do it to be controversial. Some days I just don't feel like wearing a skirt or dress. Some days it's cold outside. Some days I'm helping with the Primary program and it seems like a hassle to keep my dress down while holding a kid on my lap. Some days it seems like a hassle to keep my dress from riding up while I hold my own kid on my lap.

Some days I think too much is made of what we wear, period.

Some days I like to tell people that the church actually made an official statement looong ago about it being no biggie for women to wear pants to church. 

Other days I think we take too seriously our cultural mores about dress. I'd like men to have more freedom to wear kilts or other cultural clothing that consists of something other than slacks to church and I'd like more women to know that it's okay to wear slacks to church. For me this isn't an issue of equality, which issue I take very seriously. Being able to dress like men, to me, is a pretty weird indicator for equality. I've read way too much feminist theory to fall for this one again. Does permitting women to wear pants to church equal more freedom and choice in dress? Yes. Does it indicate equality? No.

Normally it's easy for me to support my fellow MoFems. But the Wear Pants to Church Day group discussion is driving me crazy. In essence, I support what these fellow MoFems are trying to do: create more breathing room around cultural dress and make sure women who wear pants feel supported and less judged. But I haven't been able to understand or get behind the way it's been framed. I'll still wear pants to church to show support of my sisters who need it, but I don't think I'll be officially joining this particular group.

Your thoughts?

Wearing my Sunday best:

distractions

Finals are coming. Finals are coming! FINALS ARE COMING! Starting tomorrow I'll be a madwoman feverishly trying to construct sentences around topics like "Narrative Mediation" and "Power and Negotiation". One especially large paper, followed by a medium-ish one, followed by two more the next week. sigh.

I try really hard to not do coursework on Sundays. Today put a dent in my record, sort of, because I spent essentially all day on campus listening to Capstone presentations by people who will soon be done with the program I started a few months ago. Valuable but...on a Sunday? Poopy.

I've taken the rest of the day off though. Good for me. To distract myself from all the papers I'm not writing I've been reading up on one of my favorite subjects: minimalism. And I had to link to some of the stuff I've been looking at today. 

Currently reading: You Can Buy Happiness (and It's Cheap). (2012). Strobel, T. 
The subject matter is fun and interesting, though her writing isn't the strongest. Still, she and her husband live in a tiny home and are car-less, and that means she's tenacious and disciplined and therefore has won the respect sufficient to have me read her book. My brother Richard, fellow minimalist devotee, tipped me off on this read. So far, I recommend it.

Finished today, and highly recommend this read:
"If money doesn't make you happy, then you probably aren't spending it right" (2010). Dunn, E., Gilbert, D.T., & Wilson, T. D. All of it is online and oh-so-fascinating.

Peeking at these tiny-home/apartment spotlights tonight:

Upper West Side, Manhattan

Midtown, Manhattan

San Francisco