Home

For us, home is a very fluid concept and we like it that way. It's where we're from, our roots; it's everywhere we've ever been, everyone we've ever loved, met, or learned from; most of all, it's where we are now; it's the space we occupy, the people we meet and get to know; it certainly is the people we choose to make space for in our hearts, no matter how far away; and it is where we are going, wherever that is.

Home is wrapped up inside of each of us as individuals in our family. We choose to make a collective home together.

Lissie, in the moment as always, was asked where she was from the other night on the subway. She said in a slightly bemused voice, "I from New York City." Young as she is, with all the places she's lived in her short life, this was a perfectly reasonable response.

Laughter

Tonight I was getting ready to make some mashed potatoes for dinner when I found this heart-shaped potato at the bottom of the bag. Mistakenly, I showed it to Lissie ('cause it looked awesome!) who said "a heart! My heart! I love my heart!!!" Suddenly I realized what I'd done. But then, just for my own callous amusement, I said in my adult voice "we're going to eat it". This was her reaction. It looks awful and sad, but really, it's just very funny. I finally convinced her to let me cut it up by promising to take a picture of it.

So I guess today I'm grateful for this child who makes me laugh by being the easy target of my dark humor; for idiosyncratic food; and for my phone that made the passage of his potato much easier on everyone.

Change

Knowing how much she has changed already, and how she will continue to change, makes me so much more grateful for how she is right now. In this moment.

Creativity

One day, out of nowhere, with little to no encouragement from me, Lissie started drawing faces-people! Her artwork since then has made me so proud of her self expression and creativity in a way only parents can appreciate.

Sleep

Don't fall out of your chairs with surprise, but during this flare up of fatigue sleep is one of the things I am most grateful for. Another is a daughter who lets me take naps with her and tells me she loves me just before we go to sleep.

joie de vivre

Since I became a mom roughly three and a half years ago, I've found I'm becoming more interested in, and much better at, celebrating. Which seems ironic, right? But I'm realizing my interests in celebrating, mindfulness, and minimalism -seemingly separate things- all dovetail beautifully into, simply,  joie de vivre.  Because those three things, I think, are ways children naturally are inclined to experience life until they become jaded; sometimes much too soon.

I think in large part my attention to being "plugged in" with my surroundings (in my "Depleted" post, I write that this is possibly the biggest factor in my celebrating style) is due to seeing things through my daughter's eyes.  A ride on the subway isn't a mere ride on the subway.  It is full of sounds, smells, heat (oh, the heat!), and so so so many people to meet.  Lissie has the talent of melting just about everyone's chilly disposition when she inevitably asks "What's your name?" and, without waiting for a reply, "My name's Lissie."  Derrick and I were remarking today about how our daughter seems to bring out the best in everyone we've met here so far. Especially that elderly black woman Lissie insisted on holding hands with up the subway steps. They'd met about, oh, two minutes before, and the woman gently and happily obliged. 

Lissie has brought out the best in me, too.  Though I was formerly resigned to jadedness, she's been training me in the art of creating and appreciating new experiences.  She's taught me to savor them too.  Because by plugging into wherever I am, I am creating something beautiful and rich; I am creating the person she will become, by virtue of the things she is experiencing and will continue to experience, wherever we may be.

 (Eating Chinese food in China Town, Lissie style)

 

(Watching the squirrels in Central Park)

 

 

Giving up, Giving in

Returning from Jordan I was wrapped in a cocoon of familial bliss. Learning all of Lissie's newest tricks and habits had me open-mouthed and happy to be home and not missing out on any more of her growing up. And Derrick - I love living with this man. I love sharing spaces with the guy, as weird or kinky as some of them might sound: fridge, couch, bed, shower, kitchen, yard, bathroom, the list goes on and has less to do with you-know-what than you might think. I really like being with Derrick, going about our daily movements and coming home to each other at the end of the day.

I got home Tuesday afternoon. But Delusional Jen had signed up for summer classes, remember? And I'd already missed a day. So I had no choice but to shuffle out the door, jet lagged and unhappy, to my Spanish classes Wednesday morning. By the end of the day though I decided that nothing, not even that oh-so-tempting Spanish Language Certification, could keep me away from my family, both mentally and physically, any longer, especially after that arduous two month separation.

I had an uncharacteristically brief internal struggle, then dropped the classes and felt ready to celebrate. So I gave up. I gave in to an overwhelming desire to enjoy the summer with my little girl and to simply be. I decided to give - to myself and my family. It feels wonderful.

almost long lost photos

I finally reclaimed these photos from my phone. Isn't it such an ordeal? But here are some nearly long lost photos of Lissie from this summer. Too cute to not post! I'll limit my commentary since my time is limited and you've heard a lot from me lately anyway.
These are in no particular order.

Temptation:

Piece entitled: The Piano Lesson

This photo is entitled: Ennui, eating a croissant.

Izzo we miss you!

Miss Piggy!
The End.

role reversal

I've lost track of how many times Derrick and I have been awakened by Lissie in the middle of the night for the past month and a half. From conversations I've had with other parents, the whole sleeping-through-the-night thing is a come-and-go phenomenon.

Admittedly, it's not hard to get her back to sleep thanks to her Nuk sippies that act as nighttime binkies. But unfortunately we've trained her to not be able to fall asleep without one of these sippies in her mouth. And the sippies must be consistently stocked with water. So we started putting two (sometimes three!) full sippies in her bed with her at night. The idea was that if she ran out of water she could easily find another one to suck on; and, in fact it worked this summer really well when she and I were in Arizona. But no more.

Now she won't bother looking. She yells at us ("MOOOOOM. WAAATERRR!") until we get out of bed and hand her the other full sippy that was laying right next to her head. But this is just not sustainable. When it's my turn to get up it can sometimes be very hard for me to get back to sleep. I've contemplated teaching her to look around for it herself by standing in the doorway and telling her these very words, but that would still necesitate me getting out of bed and offically awake at 3 a.m. No good.

But then a brilliant, magical idea occurred to me today. Her baby monitor has been stashed in a drawer for months. What if I were to turn on the monitor on our side before we go to bed so that when she wakes up I can stay in bed and tell Lissie to find her own d*&% sippy? So easy, so brilliant. I think I might just try it tonight. Who knew that baby monitors could come in handy for a fussy, sleepy parent?

Picture Update: Lissie

Lately I've been boring myself with the sound of my own voice, even in print. I also haven't found the energy lately to pick up the camera and take some recent shots. But Lissie is ever growing and developing into a wonderful child (she'll be 2 1/2 this month!) and her adventures need documenting. Here are some things we've been enjoying lately:

Trips to the Beane museum. We try to stop by here at least twice a week after I pick her up from the babysitter's. It's so close by and she loves looking at all the taxidermied animals. Dare I say she's also learned a lot more animal names from our visits here?




Class field trip. Lissie accompanied me to nearby Salem with my classmates and loved every minute.


Ice cream. Need I say more? She out-ate both of her parents!



Lissie loves our bed. Jumping. Reading. Watching movies. Mom and Dad's bed is magical.



And these were just too adorable to leave out.

A New Semester Begins

The first day of classes are always exciting to me. And it looks like I'll be able to take two classes I'm very excited about: International Political Economy of Women (which I'm in the process of trying to add. Hopefully everything works out*) and Western American Literature.

I also have an incredible internship opportunity lined up with a local non profit that prepares underprivileged teens for college. The directors of the nonprofit also want me to direct a qualitative evaluation of student experiences with the program and this will permit me to plant "Research Assistant", as well as intern, on my CV, since I'll be doing it with a professor in the Sociology Department.

My problem? I have a narrow window of opportunity in the middle of the day to do homework and finish the report for the research I did this summer, and my toddler, inexplicably, no longer likes to nap during this time. I had carefully arranged my schedule to fit around this traditional naptime and it seems it's blowing up in my face. sigh.

I've tried lots of things. In fact, as I calmly write this post I am listening to the cries and screams of my daughter, since I took away her "sleeping sippy" and left her alone in the crib. I am doing this in the hopes that when I return it to her in about 20 minutes she will have worn herself out with crying**. Cruel, right? So be it.

This isn't a post to solicit advice about nap-time woes. I know we'll weather this and be just fine, with time. I guess my point is simply that just when we think we've reached a balance and can juggle all those balls just fine, we're thrown a curve ball. The great thing about being a woman is that I can learn how to catch that new ball and not drop everything else. It is good to be a woman.

*I got in!
**It worked!

Flesh and Blood

Today I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my kid--my daughter. My flesh and blood, as the saying goes. Lissie. People talk about "babies raising babies", and in a lot of ways, I was very young when I gave birth to my baby girl. Young is a relative term--I was 24--which in Mormon years is a perfectly appropriate age to have one or several children. But I was still young and very much in the process of figuring myself out. As I look back on it, I'm grateful that, for whatever reason, I felt at peace with having a baby so soon; For many reasons, but Lissie has played such an important role in my own self-definition.

Every parent should take pride in their child, and I do take pride in mine. I honestly feel that Lissie has the most engaging and generally delightful personality of any child on this earth. It's only appropriate that other parents feel that way about their children too.

I love that she is such a sensitive child, and so intent on her relationships with other people. The fact that she loves spending so much time outside or trying new things floods me with relief on an almost-daily basis. I recognize that as she ages restlessness might grip her, as it does me, and she might get bored with the status quo. I couldn't be happier about this.

In many ways I feel like she's the sleeping Aurora babe in Sleeping Beauty--that somehow, when I was pregnant, or when she was newly born, a queue of good fairies dropped by and sprinkled Lissie (and yes, with that effervescent glitter emerging from their wands) with gifts that would only bless her future life. Beauty and song might have made the list somewhere, but more than that I feel that Lissie's gifts lie in her humor, intelligence, enthusiasm and her ability to invite and welcome others into her love; to have fun and go with the flow, and her precocious ability to act appropriately, wherever we are, the majority of the time (she is still two, after all).

The funny thing about Sleeping Beauty is that the parents didn't do a darned thing to deserve such lovely magical benefactors. But that's beside the point. Even if, as she grows, Lissie's gifts alter, or she grows in unexpected ways, she will always be my flesh and blood. A part of me. And in ways I don't think I understand yet, Lissie has performed the work of the good fairy on me, sprinkling me with that effervescent dust, bestowing me with gifts that will only bless my future life too.

So Many Balls in the Air

One friend of mine in particular has been very interested in getting regular updates on the internship and I haven't been very forthcoming. For this I am sorry, Lindsay.

This will be an update of sorts, but mostly I just feel like moaning a bit about how stressed out I feel right now.

In terms of the internship, things couldn't be going much better. We started recruiting for our next wave of focus groups last week and we have 14 consent forms back. We've been returning to the school every day (except Fridays. This is summer school after all) and reminding/bribing the students to get them in. Our goal is to match what we did before school got out in May, which means about 25 participants or 5 focus groups. I'm feeling very hopeful that we will meet this goal. Transcription for our first wave of focus groups is almost done on my part. Admittedly, I have been very slow about this. This week my goal is to do my final run-through and then print them off for handcoding so I can save myself a buttload of work this August.

We also have some exciting things in the works in terms of presenting our findings on a state level, but this is just a possibility so I won't go into too much detail here. Maybe tomorrow...?

In terms of life--meh. Lissie has been sick this week and just not her usual self. Everything is "no!" that is usually "yes". No, she doesn't want to go outside. No she doesn't want to color. No she doesn't want to do anything fun like go on a walk or help me water the garden. I know she's just sick, but sometimes this irrational fear grips me that this phase of moping around and wanting to watch Dora the Explorer all day isn't a phase after all. My daughter has been taken over by an indolent body-snatcher.

Meanwhile Derrick is going through a stressful time right now and it's been really hard not being able to be there for him as much as I'd like to be. I think the separation is obviously getting to both of us, and yes, it's true that there is light at the end of the tunnel (only three more weeks to go!), but it's no secret that we're better when we're together.

So that's the update, and it's not too upbeat. I'm confident I'll feel better tomorrow, but right now I'm tired and grouchy and wishing I could not have so many balls up in the air.

Summer Fun

In other news, "Squirty" as a nickname served it's purpose well when my li'l one was a baby, but it seems a bit...young for her now. On this blog she'll now be known as "Lissie".

Some delectable moments from this summer:


What a beautiful sight!
Lissie and I hope you are having a fun summer too, wherever you are!