chronic fatigue update

Several concerned parties have asked me lately about my health, in reference, probably, to this post I wrote a month or two ago.  I wasn't being dramatic. I really felt awful. A few weeks after writing it though I met with a wonderful, phenomenal endocrinologist who gave me the time of day and put me back on thyroid medication and checked out the slight bulge on my throat. The thyroid medication has made all the difference. Sometimes I still feel the need to nap inexplicably, and sometimes I still feel tired (though not the bone-aching, gut-hurting tiredness of before), and sometimes I have to be careful not to overdo it, but I feel exponentially better than I did when I wrote "bits 'n pieces".

About the slight bulge: it's not a goiter. It is a thyroid cyst, and although it doesn't interfere with the actual function of my thyroid the cells that make up the cyst do have a higher chance of becoming malignant, and there is the chance that it could become infected, so they prefer to remove it surgically. I'm scheduled to go in at the end of the month. It will require general anesthesia, but it is an in-and-out procedure, so I'll be able to leave the same day.

I was surprised on two counts when I wrote "bits 'n pieces". One, the outpouring of concern, advice, and well-wishes. Two, the number of women who have confided in me that they have also struggled with chronic fatigue, though they hid it as well as I often do and I never would have suspected had they not told me. Everyone's advice, even if it wasn't exactly applicable to my situation, was still appreciated because it indicated concern and that meant a lot to me. To the women I spoke to or exchanged messages with, knowing that you struggle with this and still do the remarkable things you do is inspiring to me. I may never function at 100% (whatever that is), but knowing that my energy is finite helps me to prioritize, clear out figurative and literal clutter, and pay closer attention to my health, all good things I might not have been so zealous about had I not had (and continue to have) this struggle.

On a final note I leave an open-ended question: Do you think it's possible for our roadblocks to become our blessings in the long-run?

Nature

Every morning the sun swells over the Atlantic ocean, peeks over the edges of East Manhattan, and cuts straight through East Harlem and up my street, bouncing off in rosy hues from the brick facade of the building across the street. From rosy to vibrant, the sun carves knife-sharp shadows across the face of said brick building and lights up the whole street. 

 

 

Wondering perchance what I'm doing up at this ungodly hour to watch a sunrise?  This is the time of day I feel best. Straight out of bed, I do my best thinking and have the most energy at this early hour (the rest of the day is another story). Also, the streets are hushed now, particularly on the weekends. So, gratefully, me and my sunrise can enjoy this solitary moment without interruptions.

Feeling grateful today? Join me at the gratitude photo challenge.

bits 'n pieces

Almost two years ago I wrote this post about some health problems I'd been experiencing. Unfortunately, those health concerns never went away entirely and I'm dealing with them yet again.  The care I alluded to in that previous post ended up being unsatisfactory for several reasons, and my care right now has been complacent in addressing my rather serious fatigue issues.  After a disastrous doctor's appointment on Thursday, in which the specialist I saw indicated no interest in addressing my constant fatigue issues, I realized that perhaps my approach about this whole thing has been wrong.

This was of course after I spent several minutes sobbing in the unfeeling doctor's office chair. It was an uncomfortable experience for both of us. But I couldn't help myself! Imagine you've had a day. A really long day full of lots of physical exertion in tandem with getting, oh let's say 2 hours of sleep the night before. That's pretty much how I feel all the time. I've been scraping by for the past 2 months by taking naps with Lissie almost every day. Even with naps I struggle to get through my day.  This is not normal for an otherwise-healthy woman my age, right (side note: this recent flare-up isn't related to anemia. had that checked already)?

A piece of me broke on Thursday. I felt so defeated. I thought about how I could possibly get through my program, participate in internships, take care of my daughter, and just get through life in general.

I felt even more heartbroken because this issue is upsetting some life plans.

Derrick and I have talked rather seriously about trying for another baby this Fall.  My first pregnancy was enough to double me over, and that was when I was feeling normal. The idea of adding a pregnancy on top of how I'm already feeling is enough to make me want to just die already. So those plans are on the back burner. Again. And a bit of my spirit is broken about it.

After Thursday though I realized that I haven't been very kind to myself in my zeal to find a cure. I take on too much, assuming that the problem will go away soon, either from sheer force of will or from an outside intervention. Neither has worked. And honestly I've kind of given up hope that a solution will present itself even semi-rapidly at the pace my doctor's are working right now. I also mislead people and fail to be honest about my problem. For instance, you had no idea until just now, right? You see my point! I'm really good at making people think I'm A-OK. Well, it's all a lie, people. Don't be deceived. Truth is, I feel exhausted all the time and I feel pretty damn poopy.

I'm trying presently to slow myself down by making a huge admission:

I have chronic fatigue.

Maybe it's caused by an underlying issue that can be addressed. Maybe it isn't. Maybe this is something I will have to deal with forever. I just don't know.

What I do know is that I could use some kind thoughts. Some prayers. Maybe even some forgiveness if I haven't been attentive or if I've seemed a little self-centered.

I'll be praying too; for some internal strength and resolve. And when I'm feeling particularly hopeful, for a solution; when I'm feeling particularly despondent, for some hope.

Co-ops, Libraries and Updates

This morning we went and picked up produce from our first food co-op. I don't think I'll ever go back to regular grocery shopping again. We went through Bountiful Baskets, which operates all over Utah and the Western U.S.

We're still trying to figure out what to do with the Jerusalem artichokes we got. At first we thought it was a heap of ginger root, only after we started peeling it for dinner did we realize how wrong we were. What a bunch of city slickers! We had the cabbage for dinner tonight in a stir fry with chicken and ginger (real ginger, I promise). Nothing like a food co-op to get you exploring new yummy recipes.


Next on the to-do list: library book sale. I mostly go for the amazing, fantastic prices on kid's books, but I won't say no to the incredible find for myself as well. I bought four books for $2. Not bad at all. Derrick's finds were a bit more eclectic, but really, who doesn't need Chinese and German dictionaries? I actually took these pictures Thursday, but they're so cute I couldn't resist sneaking them in this post.

Thanks for the hat, Nana!
As for updates, I went and got my first iron infusion Monday and felt more energetic for the next few days than I have in months. However, yesterday I began to feel tired again and so I can't wait to go in Tuesday for my next iron fix. Hopefully a few more times will get me up to where I need to be. I appreciate everyone's concern after my last post.

A Machine I Am Not

Photo coutresy of dreamstock
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The unpleasant circumstances I alluded to a few posts ago are related to some health problems I've been having. An appointment with a doctor today confirmed our suspicions: I have severe anemia, and will probably have to go to the hospital for iron infusions. Anemia is also heavily correlated with a low-functioning thyroid, which my lab tests also confirmed. Less expected, but not totally surprising, my Progesterone levels are also alarmingly low. Progesterone is a hormone that is related to mood elevation. In females, a defiency can mean greater emotionality or depression and heightened PMS symptoms. It's also correlated with migraine headaches, mood swings, ovarian or breast cysts, anxiety or panic attacks and postpartum depression.

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All told, we've known something has been seriously wrong with me for almost a month now. I've felt incapable of controlling my anxiety over seemingly insignificant things, symptoms of depression have been mounting, and I have felt incredibly lethargic. I've had a really hard time concentrating in my classes since all I really want to do is lay my head on my desk and go to sleep. It's so surprising how quickly these symptoms crept up on and overcame me. Even freakier is recognizing that I'm just not able to move at my normal pace anymore.

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Monday I realized it would be wisest to withdraw from one of my classes. It was the smartest decision I've made in a while. After struggling with feelings of guilt and anger (me? a quitter? never!), I suddenly found myself feeling so relieved and happy. Thanks to everyone I called or talked to about withdrawing; your assurances that it wouldn't put a big, fat Warning: unstable; do not consider on my graduate school applications made a world of difference to me. Now instead of forcing myself to push through the fatigue, I can periodically grant myself permission to *gasp* nap while Squirty's napping.
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This experience has been hard for me. The last time I seriously fought with depression was on my mission. It was an awful experience (the depression, not the mission) and not one I'm keen on reliving. Post-mission, every time I've ever begun to feel depressed I've immediately reacted by shaking myself out of it. Until now, I'd been pretty successful.

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Derrick and I are confident, however, that with some help I'll be able to come out of this and be able to reach somewhere close to my normal pace. It might not be until next Fall, it might be as soon as next month (I hope, I hope, I hope), we'll just have to wait and see. If you've seen me lately and are thinking that I actually seemed pretty normal to you, I sure fooled you, didn't I? I flatter myself that I've become quite a pro at hiding things like this. Don't let it freak you out too much.

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In the meantime, if I've seemed withdrawn or distant or I haven't returned your phone calls or emails or whatever, please be patient with me. If I've hounded you overmuch and enlisted your help with Squirty more often than you ever really wanted, oops. If I promised to do something that I haven't followed through on, drats. I know what you're thinking, perhaps unrepentant behavior is symptomatic of anemia/hypothyroidism/wacked-out-female-hormone-syndrome, and you're probably right; nevertheless, thanks for all the help many of you have already rendered. Just 'cause I'm unrepentant doesn't mean I'm ungrateful.

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Love to all.