Almost Self-Sabatoged

This post is full of news. One, I graduated with my BA. I've been working so hard for this moment since 2009 that now that it's over I'm nothing if not a little nonplussed at how anticlimactic the end has been. Anyone who has consistently read this blog knows my graduation is a long time coming. Don't believe me? Go to the side bar, click Things I've Written About and choose education. And those aren't the only education-related posts, thanks to my abysmal labelling consistency!

Two, you probably surmised from this post that we decided to move to Manhattan.  But you probably didn't know, thanks to this now-outdated post, that I would be doing a Master's program alongside Derrick. So, yes, I'm starting grad school this fall (I guess this means I'm a would-be grad student no longer and now need to update my About Me section).  The story is strange and fortuitous. Let me summarize:

I got a letter from Columbia University in February saying I had been accepted into their Negotiation and Conflict Resolution program. I yelled, jumped, and made a scene, so flattered I was to have been accepted anywhere, let alone Columbia. I got a few more acceptance letters while we waited for word from Derrick's programs. Long story short, I gave up hope that Derrick had been accepted to Columbia, and sent an informal email to one of my contacts there saying, essentially, "thanks, but no thanks."  I never heard back, but didn't think much of it. The day after I sent that email, we heard that Derrick actually had been accepted into Columbia's Clinical Psychology program. By that time I had decided to turn down my first choice of Conflict Resolution programs in D.C. for BYU's Sociology program. 

When Derrick made it clear that he really wanted to do Columbia's program, well, I was pissed and not a very nice person to be around for a while.  I mean, what the hell? The audacity of the man! But then I remembered how much Derrick had sacrificed to help me get my BA and that it was kinda sorta his turn to work on his career.  Gotta be fair, right? So I accepted my fate of postponing grad school for a few more years, left for Jordan, and didn't really let myself re-evaluate my acceptance into, and subsequent rejection, of the program at Columbia. 

Then a few weeks ago I received an unexpected email from their admissions office that basically said, "Hey, we never heard from you. Still wanna do the program?" and I was like, "wow, really?" Derrick and I talked about it and I thought, "what better time to go into student debt?" and so now I'm officially enrolled as of today. What are the odds that this story could actually happen? To me? Next to none. But it's true. Feel free to wish me and Derrick both luck as we embark on our respective programs, juggling a 3 year old, trying to dodge debt capitalization, and dealing with Big Apple culture shock.

Love to all.

the vote has been cast

This fall, our official decision is New York City. 

Come visit when you get a chance!

enthralled

Derrick said today, and I concurred, that maybe an overload of decision-making can permanently impair your ability to feel your way to decisions and make them. Things have been pretty crazy around here, as you might have guessed by my relative blog silence. I'd resolved to write posts about some decisions made for quite some time, and then realized that I just haven't had the strength or ability to execute. We'll see if I can tonight.

First, to understand me and Derrick's state of mind right now, you simply must go and see this definition for the word enthralled. And if you don't, I'm about to give it to you. It's simply this:

1. To hold spellbound; captivate.

2. To enslave.

An interesting double-word, don't you think? And this pretty much sums up the roller coaster that is my fragile mental state right now. One moment, I'm at the top, truly captivated by the exciting possibilities, and the next I'm downcast and morose, lost in the worrying tides of change.

Years ago I came across a passage in Frances Mayes' work, Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy. (Please banish all thoughts of that atrocious movie with Diane Lane. The book is so much better and unbelievably different.) She talks about her love for houses. Mayes' sister will ask, "What is her house like?" and it is understood she means "what is she like?"

She writes that one "summer I stayed in a little casa in San Miguel de Allende in which I developed a serious love for fountained courtyards and bedrooms with bougainvillea cascading down the balcony. . .One summer in Santa Fe, I started looking at adobes there, imagining I would become a Southwesterner, cook with chilies, wear squash blossom turquoise jewelry--a different life, the chance to be extant in another version. At the end of a month I left and never have wanted to return" (15 my emphasis).

It took me a long time to find that passage again. One of the many times I've kicked myself for not highlighting and dog-earing a page I knew I'd want to find again. For reasons unknown, this passage really spoke to me. Maybe because I'm always imagining the person I'll become. Where I feel I'll belong some day. Where I'll finally come home. The idea of home is always an elusive one for me. Maybe it is for you too.

And right now Derrick and I are trying to find out where our home will be for the next few years. As it happens when couples cross-apply, we've realized that we're going to have to make the difficult move of choosing between his program or mine. We had decided to stay at BYU for my master's until we unexpectedly received word back about a program Derrick had applied to in New York City. So right now it's between Provo, the familiar, and NYC, the very-much-unknown.

Like Mayes, I'll be enthralled by fantasies of myself as adjusted New Yorker. Unafraid of the subways. Maneuvering the sidewalks. Shopping at flea markets and farmer's markets to my heart's content. Maybe even starting a rooftop garden on top of my walk-up apartment building and raising some urban chickens. Sometimes I even dream of participating in this rather intimidating food co-op. And then suddenly the spellbound imagination will change from benevolent to scary, enslaved intimidation, fear and doubt.

As we've started to think more seriously about favoring Derrick's program, I've found that this has been a real grieving process for me. I started out extremely angry and bitter. It was bad. Believe me, it was bad. Then I'd alternate between numbness and depression. And I'm still kind of there sometimes, although it is periodically interspersed with optimism and peace of mind. I'm not giving up on grad school (and I hope and pray it doesn't give up on me). I'll reapply soon, and if we do end up in New York, there are lots of schools in the area I can apply to (unlike the situation here for Derrick), so I'm hopeful.

A decision has not officially been made. Anything could happen. We tend to be spur-of-the-moment, unpredictable decision-makers.

But can I tell you what I've been thinking lately? And it relates back to that Mayes' quote. There is a part of me that believes that sometimes people belong to places. That there really is a perfect home and environment for some people. Maybe. But another thought that has been burgeoning in the back of my mind is that maybe coming home means nothing more than building a home within yourself. In the words of one essayist, "I now know that I can be transported to a place of peace. . .That sacred place of inner calm is my home in the world. It must travel with me wherever I go" (Tinsley 184).

Works Cited:

Mayes, Frances. Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy. Broadway Books, NY 1996.

A Woman's Path. Kim Tinsley. Travelers' Tales, Berkeley, California 2000.

Of moving and graduating

Whew. We are officially moved. After a whirlwind decision, basically made for us by different circumstances, we sold our contract from our old apartment in a matter of hours and made plans to move to South Jordan. My sister had the hookups for a great basement apartment that we fell in love with. It's also twice the size of our old apartment and...here's the clencher...cheaper! Mucho cheaper. So we spent our New Year's (literally. I could hear fireworks popping as we moved in the last of our stuff) completing our move.

Not to disappoint anyone, but I don't post pictures of stuff like this. Let me just say the apartment is very nice and we really like our landlords who live above us. Alot.

Honestly, I'm most excited about this move for Lissie. My sisters are going to watch her for me when I commute to Provo three days a week for class (it's about 45 minutes each way) and I'm so excited for her to spend time with family and especially cousins. She loves playing with kids and being with her aunts and uncles. Our new place also gives her a lot more room inside and a backyard complete with trampoline, chickens, bunny, dog and cat. Kid paradise, right?

This post also serves as an announcement of sorts. As we were planning our move I also arranged my schedule so this would be my last semester. I had planned on graduating in August so I could do some additional coursework for language certification in Spanish, but after evaluating our finances and situation, I decided it would best to call it good sooner rather than later. So yay for me. I'm not going to walk, but I did promise my mom I would at least get a picture taken in a cap and gown.

So Many Balls in the Air

One friend of mine in particular has been very interested in getting regular updates on the internship and I haven't been very forthcoming. For this I am sorry, Lindsay.

This will be an update of sorts, but mostly I just feel like moaning a bit about how stressed out I feel right now.

In terms of the internship, things couldn't be going much better. We started recruiting for our next wave of focus groups last week and we have 14 consent forms back. We've been returning to the school every day (except Fridays. This is summer school after all) and reminding/bribing the students to get them in. Our goal is to match what we did before school got out in May, which means about 25 participants or 5 focus groups. I'm feeling very hopeful that we will meet this goal. Transcription for our first wave of focus groups is almost done on my part. Admittedly, I have been very slow about this. This week my goal is to do my final run-through and then print them off for handcoding so I can save myself a buttload of work this August.

We also have some exciting things in the works in terms of presenting our findings on a state level, but this is just a possibility so I won't go into too much detail here. Maybe tomorrow...?

In terms of life--meh. Lissie has been sick this week and just not her usual self. Everything is "no!" that is usually "yes". No, she doesn't want to go outside. No she doesn't want to color. No she doesn't want to do anything fun like go on a walk or help me water the garden. I know she's just sick, but sometimes this irrational fear grips me that this phase of moping around and wanting to watch Dora the Explorer all day isn't a phase after all. My daughter has been taken over by an indolent body-snatcher.

Meanwhile Derrick is going through a stressful time right now and it's been really hard not being able to be there for him as much as I'd like to be. I think the separation is obviously getting to both of us, and yes, it's true that there is light at the end of the tunnel (only three more weeks to go!), but it's no secret that we're better when we're together.

So that's the update, and it's not too upbeat. I'm confident I'll feel better tomorrow, but right now I'm tired and grouchy and wishing I could not have so many balls up in the air.

The Intern

source

So in a tragi-comedy I watched recently, a young mother/student travels miles away from her loving husband with their young child in tow. Before moving, however, she finishes a nail-biting week or so of finals and frantically tries to get funding while attempting to get her research IRB approved. Upon leaping through these hoops, she moves in with her in-laws and goes to work on her internship: evaluating a group of minority students' experiences with a school program.

Sounds tragi-comic, right? But wait, this wasn't a show I watched. It's my life. And it sunk in today how mad I must be to have so many balls in the air, but alas.

Luckily for me, though, it isn't really as tragi-comic as it sounds. I already have been blessed with some funding, and I'm not doing this alone. I now have a lovely project partner who is helping me fill out the odious IRB application that our advisor (also lovely) recommended we do in case we ever want to present or publish our findings. What a thought. Also exaggerated in my introduction is the aspect of moving in with my in-laws, who I adore. My parents are totally bewildered that I'd opt to live with my in-laws instead of living alone in their vacant home (which my project partner will be occupying, incidentally). I finally got it through to my dad that they only feel this way because 1) neither of them really liked their inlaws, and therefore never would have lived with them voluntarily, and 2) they keep forgetting that I still have a relatively young child in my care and Derrick will be miles away.

Also exaggerated in my opening is the idea that the internship project will somehow not be very fun or interesting. Quite the contrary. This was a project I created on my own for several reasons, but mostly because I'm interested in understanding racial/cultural inequities in the education system.

Not dramatized, however, is the fact that finals are fast approaching, I have TONS of preparation to do for the internship in addition to submitting our application to the IRB. gulp. Funny how blogging has somehow made it to the top of priority list, isn't it?

On the Countertop

That's Squirty's favorite place to be right now. Especially when I'm in the kitchen fixing something to eat she loves getting up and joining me at eye-level, sticking her chubby, little fingers into whatever I'm mixing and naming food items she knows well (CHEESE!).

She got this shiner on her way to church yesterday. Derrick's serving in a Single's Ward Bishopric and so we join him on campus these days. We'd almost made it to our building without incident when suddenly I heard a THWUMP right behind me and she was lifting her sad face off the concrete. Poor baby!

KISSES! (or pretending to be Angelina Jolie, not sure which)

Laughing at Daddy's silliness:

The bump looks awful but she's stayed pretty cheerful, as you can see!

Chinese Medicine

Life is becoming normal again! The past few weeks we've been settling in and getting used to life in Boston. I'm beginning to realize that our honeymoon in South Korea was actually an important preparatory move. Some interesting similiarities between Boston and S. Korea:
1) Boston is the jaywalking capital of the world! If you start walking, the traffic WILL stop. In Korea, if you wanted to get anywhere, you had to take a leap of faith and just start walking.
2)Riding in a taxi cab in S. Korea is scary. Period. The lines on the road are pure decoration. Switch to Boston where the same attitude presides. Lines? What lines? I FIT here and that's all that matters.
3) Since we live in Allston (a section of Boston), we feel like we're in S. Korea all the time. Our neighborhood is, if not China-town, pretty darn close.

Our apartment situation worked out perfectly. We didn't have a place lined up before we came so the first two days here we lived in a hotel and hunted. We found a cheap place close to Harvard on Craigslist and got the apartment right away. It's a basement apartment, we have a driveway and there's no contract. Exactly what we wanted! Our landlady is a Cantonese-speaking lady from China who speaks maybe 15 words of English. She's very sweet, but there's a problem. She thinks we're Chinese too and speaks to us as though we can understand everything she's saying! She's so quiet upstairs that we sometimes forget she's even there so it really surprised us when we were both lying sick on the couch and she comes knocking on our door. She could hear us coughing from upstairs so she brought us some chinese food, an asian pear and Dr. Ping's ointment (think Vick's Vapor Rub). We thanked her and shut the door and then she comes down again, trying to explain to us that we shouldn't eat the ointment. Okay. Then as we get comfortable again she brings us some Chinese cookies. That was several days ago. This morning she knocked on our door and gave me more fruit and two more containers of Dr. Ping's and told me how to use it, but not as sweetly as last time. I think our coughing is driving her nuts.

Apart from that, Derrick's been going to class for two weeks and is LOVING his classes and I've been working as a nanny in Cambridge. I'll spare you details now, but it's worked out wonderfully and I've been enjoying it a lot. Sorry no pictures for now. We're terrible at remembering to take our camera places! More next time, promise.

Allstonian Bostonians

We're here!

P.S. More info coming...

Our Summer

Time is ticking by, and Boston is coming ever nearer. We still don't have a place to live (ack!), I don't have a job lined up for when we go (eek!), but gas prices are going down just in time for the long drive ahead of us. So, you may ask, what have we been doing with out time this summer?
Derrick has been busy, as usual with his part-time research job at the Air Force and his other part-time research job at St. Joseph's Hospital. Last week, Derrick was in Washington D.C. for 4 days and attended an educational research seminar at the Pentagon. He and Dr. Andrews presented the research they've been working on. He had a great time, saw lots of Memorials and was surprised by how enormous the Pentagon really is.
I, however, have been taking a Spanish Class at Mesa Community College, which helps the time pass nicely. The class finishes August 7th and then I'll be able to transfer the language credits to BYU. Other than that, I've had my nose in plenty of books. In fact, that's pretty much the only thing I have to show for my time this summer besides my spanish class.


My list of recent reads:

• Agnes Grey by Anne Bronte
• Brave New World by Aldous Huxley*
• A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle
• Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl*
• Twilight by Stephanie Myers
• Princess Academy by Shannon Hale
• Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine*
• Writing Magic by Gail Carson Levine
• Writing Fiction by Janet Burroway
• The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho*
• The Giver by Lois Lowry*
• Number the Stars by Lois Lowry*
• Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry
• Mathilda by Roald Dahl
• The Whipping Boy by Sid Fleischman*
• An Acceptable Time by Madeleine L'Engle
• Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell
• Isaac Newton by Walter Isaacson
• Belle Prater's Boy by Ruth White

Now reading: The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro*

Upcoming Books: Watership Down by Richard Adams, Hattie Big Sky by Kirby Larson and An Old-Fashioned Girl by Louisa May Alcott, Villette by Charlotte Bronte.





*Indicates highly recommended.