Almost two years ago I wrote this post about some health problems I'd been experiencing. Unfortunately, those health concerns never went away entirely and I'm dealing with them yet again. The care I alluded to in that previous post ended up being unsatisfactory for several reasons, and my care right now has been complacent in addressing my rather serious fatigue issues. After a disastrous doctor's appointment on Thursday, in which the specialist I saw indicated no interest in addressing my constant fatigue issues, I realized that perhaps my approach about this whole thing has been wrong.
This was of course after I spent several minutes sobbing in the unfeeling doctor's office chair. It was an uncomfortable experience for both of us. But I couldn't help myself! Imagine you've had a day. A really long day full of lots of physical exertion in tandem with getting, oh let's say 2 hours of sleep the night before. That's pretty much how I feel all the time. I've been scraping by for the past 2 months by taking naps with Lissie almost every day. Even with naps I struggle to get through my day. This is not normal for an otherwise-healthy woman my age, right (side note: this recent flare-up isn't related to anemia. had that checked already)?
A piece of me broke on Thursday. I felt so defeated. I thought about how I could possibly get through my program, participate in internships, take care of my daughter, and just get through life in general.
I felt even more heartbroken because this issue is upsetting some life plans.
Derrick and I have talked rather seriously about trying for another baby this Fall. My first pregnancy was enough to double me over, and that was when I was feeling normal. The idea of adding a pregnancy on top of how I'm already feeling is enough to make me want to just die already. So those plans are on the back burner. Again. And a bit of my spirit is broken about it.
After Thursday though I realized that I haven't been very kind to myself in my zeal to find a cure. I take on too much, assuming that the problem will go away soon, either from sheer force of will or from an outside intervention. Neither has worked. And honestly I've kind of given up hope that a solution will present itself even semi-rapidly at the pace my doctor's are working right now. I also mislead people and fail to be honest about my problem. For instance, you had no idea until just now, right? You see my point! I'm really good at making people think I'm A-OK. Well, it's all a lie, people. Don't be deceived. Truth is, I feel exhausted all the time and I feel pretty damn poopy.
I'm trying presently to slow myself down by making a huge admission:
I have chronic fatigue.
Maybe it's caused by an underlying issue that can be addressed. Maybe it isn't. Maybe this is something I will have to deal with forever. I just don't know.
What I do know is that I could use some kind thoughts. Some prayers. Maybe even some forgiveness if I haven't been attentive or if I've seemed a little self-centered.
I'll be praying too; for some internal strength and resolve. And when I'm feeling particularly hopeful, for a solution; when I'm feeling particularly despondent, for some hope.
This was of course after I spent several minutes sobbing in the unfeeling doctor's office chair. It was an uncomfortable experience for both of us. But I couldn't help myself! Imagine you've had a day. A really long day full of lots of physical exertion in tandem with getting, oh let's say 2 hours of sleep the night before. That's pretty much how I feel all the time. I've been scraping by for the past 2 months by taking naps with Lissie almost every day. Even with naps I struggle to get through my day. This is not normal for an otherwise-healthy woman my age, right (side note: this recent flare-up isn't related to anemia. had that checked already)?
A piece of me broke on Thursday. I felt so defeated. I thought about how I could possibly get through my program, participate in internships, take care of my daughter, and just get through life in general.
I felt even more heartbroken because this issue is upsetting some life plans.
Derrick and I have talked rather seriously about trying for another baby this Fall. My first pregnancy was enough to double me over, and that was when I was feeling normal. The idea of adding a pregnancy on top of how I'm already feeling is enough to make me want to just die already. So those plans are on the back burner. Again. And a bit of my spirit is broken about it.
After Thursday though I realized that I haven't been very kind to myself in my zeal to find a cure. I take on too much, assuming that the problem will go away soon, either from sheer force of will or from an outside intervention. Neither has worked. And honestly I've kind of given up hope that a solution will present itself even semi-rapidly at the pace my doctor's are working right now. I also mislead people and fail to be honest about my problem. For instance, you had no idea until just now, right? You see my point! I'm really good at making people think I'm A-OK. Well, it's all a lie, people. Don't be deceived. Truth is, I feel exhausted all the time and I feel pretty damn poopy.
I'm trying presently to slow myself down by making a huge admission:
I have chronic fatigue.
Maybe it's caused by an underlying issue that can be addressed. Maybe it isn't. Maybe this is something I will have to deal with forever. I just don't know.
What I do know is that I could use some kind thoughts. Some prayers. Maybe even some forgiveness if I haven't been attentive or if I've seemed a little self-centered.
I'll be praying too; for some internal strength and resolve. And when I'm feeling particularly hopeful, for a solution; when I'm feeling particularly despondent, for some hope.
10 comments:
Lots and lots of prayers for you, dear friend.
So sorry you're going through this.
I can't imagine, I am barely hanging on without chronic fatigue. Hope you find answers... I don't know if you are seeking advice, but I have a friend who takes hardcore b vitamins for hers and she says it does wonders. I could find out exactly what, if you'd like me to.
Writing this out is huge! I hope it helps you to give yourself a break. Also, take time to think about all the fantastic things you have accomplished even since you've been struggling with chronic fatigue: qualitative research to help a school improve, graduating, trip to Jordan for more research, taking care of a sweet girl who sometimes wakes you up in the middle of the night, being a good friend to many (like me!), reading a FREAKING LOT of books, serving in the church, supporting your husband in his work, church, educational plans, etc.,...I could go on and on! You have still managed to do remarkable things. And there is no doubt in my mind you will do many more! Chronic fatigue (among other things) tore my life apart, but only to make way for a better iteration than I had planned on my own. Whether this is of short or long duration, I know it can do the same for you!! Sending love and prayers your way.
Jen, I stumbled upon this post on facebook... I'm really sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time. From the brief impression I have from knowing you for such a short amount of time, you are one of the people I have met since moving here and starting this program that I respect and look up to most. You're always so thoughtful, so intelligent, and so kind. I hope you know that people who don't know you very well notice those things. And you are a great actor! I had no idea... if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. I have extensive babysitting and nannying experience if you ever need a break and if you ever want to do homework together I'd love that. Let me know! I hope somehow the doctors can find a solution or some other change finds its way to you. I'm here if you need anything! All my best, Natalie (from NECR)
Aw, Jen! This makes me so sad. Seriously, just reading it put me on the verge of tears. I'm so so sorry you're feeling this way. I admire that you still try as hard as you do. I'd probably just be super lazy (hmm, kind of like how I am), but you are stronger than me. I love you and I hope you and the doctors can make things better soon. I will be praying and thinking of you, cousin. Talk to you soon, ok?
Have you had any kind of diagnosis? My friend's mom got Mono many years ago, and whenever she has flare ups she sleeps about 18 hours a day. So frustrating when you don't know the reason for your fatigue. I'll be praying that you'll start getting some answers! Love you!
Super bummer. I have a girlfriend who is an herbalist and has managed her own chronic fatigue, thyroid issues, anemia and pregnancy at times. We're getting together later this week and I'll ask her for any tips.
Oh, and I also know some NYC homebirthers, so let me know if you need a midwife referral at some point.
No way about it, that is rubbish! I feel for you, thanks to having had mono for 9+months I know the misery and frustration of that type of exhaustion although I don't know it to the extent that you are experiencing it now. I am always scared of having a Epstein barr flare up though and I am convinced I have had at least one since the initial mono. Anyway, I will praying for you, thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way. I was, shall I say, disgusted with the lack of what western medicine offered me for help when I was in the midst of mono. I found my way out and relief through attending a Dr. of natural medicine and that is the only recommendation I have.
Oh Jen,
Even if I can't relate to your diagnosis or lack thereof, I can certainly identify with the frustration of not knowing what is wrong and the feeling that whatever is happening is a life sentence. The endless tests that bear no resolution feel worse than a damning diagnosis. In my case infertility is the problem so I don't necessarily understand the fatigue but I do understand the scraping by part, the sobbing in the doctors office part and the "broken" part... Oh and obviously the baby part. I don't have any happy words of resolution for you but I do want to say that I am so glad you had the courage to post this. I have not had the courage to post on my blog since our most recent miscarriage and since the infertility process started but maybe I should. Your sadness and frustration spoke to me and maybe mine would speak to someone else. I am always so worried that posts should be uplifting but is that really the point? Anyway, I'm glad you shared this. If only because now I can think of you and pray for you specifically and maybe to give me the courage to reach out and share what pulls me down and frustrates as me as well. Know that you have random friends across the country sincerely hoping things start looking up for you.
I love that your fellow student immediately recognized how thoughtful, intelligent, and kind you are. You have that same gift your Mom has, of listening to others and making them feel loved. And for someone so intelligent and beautiful you are not in the least bit self centered!
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't think it will last forever, but it really sux that it has lasted so long. I wish I was closer to help! I put your name on the T prayer roll, and will continue praying for you.
My Mom has been praying for you also and will be looking for an herbal remedy in her studies. ;)
Love you Jen!
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