chronic fatigue update

Several concerned parties have asked me lately about my health, in reference, probably, to this post I wrote a month or two ago.  I wasn't being dramatic. I really felt awful. A few weeks after writing it though I met with a wonderful, phenomenal endocrinologist who gave me the time of day and put me back on thyroid medication and checked out the slight bulge on my throat. The thyroid medication has made all the difference. Sometimes I still feel the need to nap inexplicably, and sometimes I still feel tired (though not the bone-aching, gut-hurting tiredness of before), and sometimes I have to be careful not to overdo it, but I feel exponentially better than I did when I wrote "bits 'n pieces".

About the slight bulge: it's not a goiter. It is a thyroid cyst, and although it doesn't interfere with the actual function of my thyroid the cells that make up the cyst do have a higher chance of becoming malignant, and there is the chance that it could become infected, so they prefer to remove it surgically. I'm scheduled to go in at the end of the month. It will require general anesthesia, but it is an in-and-out procedure, so I'll be able to leave the same day.

I was surprised on two counts when I wrote "bits 'n pieces". One, the outpouring of concern, advice, and well-wishes. Two, the number of women who have confided in me that they have also struggled with chronic fatigue, though they hid it as well as I often do and I never would have suspected had they not told me. Everyone's advice, even if it wasn't exactly applicable to my situation, was still appreciated because it indicated concern and that meant a lot to me. To the women I spoke to or exchanged messages with, knowing that you struggle with this and still do the remarkable things you do is inspiring to me. I may never function at 100% (whatever that is), but knowing that my energy is finite helps me to prioritize, clear out figurative and literal clutter, and pay closer attention to my health, all good things I might not have been so zealous about had I not had (and continue to have) this struggle.

On a final note I leave an open-ended question: Do you think it's possible for our roadblocks to become our blessings in the long-run?

Energy

Things I'm grateful for: a sympathetic doctor, naps, and most of all energy in a bottle. Not 100% just yet, but this is already helping. Couldn't be more grateful.

Nature

Every morning the sun swells over the Atlantic ocean, peeks over the edges of East Manhattan, and cuts straight through East Harlem and up my street, bouncing off in rosy hues from the brick facade of the building across the street. From rosy to vibrant, the sun carves knife-sharp shadows across the face of said brick building and lights up the whole street. 

 

 

Wondering perchance what I'm doing up at this ungodly hour to watch a sunrise?  This is the time of day I feel best. Straight out of bed, I do my best thinking and have the most energy at this early hour (the rest of the day is another story). Also, the streets are hushed now, particularly on the weekends. So, gratefully, me and my sunrise can enjoy this solitary moment without interruptions.

Feeling grateful today? Join me at the gratitude photo challenge.

bits 'n pieces

Almost two years ago I wrote this post about some health problems I'd been experiencing. Unfortunately, those health concerns never went away entirely and I'm dealing with them yet again.  The care I alluded to in that previous post ended up being unsatisfactory for several reasons, and my care right now has been complacent in addressing my rather serious fatigue issues.  After a disastrous doctor's appointment on Thursday, in which the specialist I saw indicated no interest in addressing my constant fatigue issues, I realized that perhaps my approach about this whole thing has been wrong.

This was of course after I spent several minutes sobbing in the unfeeling doctor's office chair. It was an uncomfortable experience for both of us. But I couldn't help myself! Imagine you've had a day. A really long day full of lots of physical exertion in tandem with getting, oh let's say 2 hours of sleep the night before. That's pretty much how I feel all the time. I've been scraping by for the past 2 months by taking naps with Lissie almost every day. Even with naps I struggle to get through my day.  This is not normal for an otherwise-healthy woman my age, right (side note: this recent flare-up isn't related to anemia. had that checked already)?

A piece of me broke on Thursday. I felt so defeated. I thought about how I could possibly get through my program, participate in internships, take care of my daughter, and just get through life in general.

I felt even more heartbroken because this issue is upsetting some life plans.

Derrick and I have talked rather seriously about trying for another baby this Fall.  My first pregnancy was enough to double me over, and that was when I was feeling normal. The idea of adding a pregnancy on top of how I'm already feeling is enough to make me want to just die already. So those plans are on the back burner. Again. And a bit of my spirit is broken about it.

After Thursday though I realized that I haven't been very kind to myself in my zeal to find a cure. I take on too much, assuming that the problem will go away soon, either from sheer force of will or from an outside intervention. Neither has worked. And honestly I've kind of given up hope that a solution will present itself even semi-rapidly at the pace my doctor's are working right now. I also mislead people and fail to be honest about my problem. For instance, you had no idea until just now, right? You see my point! I'm really good at making people think I'm A-OK. Well, it's all a lie, people. Don't be deceived. Truth is, I feel exhausted all the time and I feel pretty damn poopy.

I'm trying presently to slow myself down by making a huge admission:

I have chronic fatigue.

Maybe it's caused by an underlying issue that can be addressed. Maybe it isn't. Maybe this is something I will have to deal with forever. I just don't know.

What I do know is that I could use some kind thoughts. Some prayers. Maybe even some forgiveness if I haven't been attentive or if I've seemed a little self-centered.

I'll be praying too; for some internal strength and resolve. And when I'm feeling particularly hopeful, for a solution; when I'm feeling particularly despondent, for some hope.