Alright, who can look at this painting anymore without thinking of Buster and Papa Bluth? "Arrested Development", I will burn in hell because you make me laugh whenever I look at this once-holy depiction.
But let me focus for once and get the weightier matters of this post off my mind so I can get back to my homework.
As a person of faith I've struggled at times. I've wrestled with doubts. There have been times when my faith has been diminished to near-extinction. This isn't something we Mormons like to talk about a lot. We prefer uplifting stories that bolster us; and we prefer to feel that our faith in God is indomitable and unbreakable. If someone has lost faith we often attribute it to some wrongdoing on the part of the doubter. I think we often feel the space of doubt, or even the space between doubt and faith, are areas God would never want us to occupy. Now I'm not so sure.
Early on in my own faith crisis, I realized that although I could respect others' stances as atheists or agnostics, I could never own the titles myself. The truth is I am a deep believer in gnosis. In short, I think to reduce the sum total of human knowledge and experience to nothing more than empiricism (as enlightening as it can be) is phenomenally limiting, boring, and sad; meaning that I believe that we as human beings can absolutely know things spiritually or internally that we can't know in any other way; meaning that I believe in so-called mystical enlightenment and that we can receive insight and guidance from unseen places; and meaning that I do actually believe that Truth exists (with a capital T!).
Sure, I'm often cynical. But I am very genuine about the things I do believe and feel. And the things I don't...I try to be mindful of them. I give myself permission to doubt. I've learned that God doesn't want me to force these things and God isn't always interested in giving immediate answers, and for that I've learned to be grateful. This is what faith is about, after all. Without doubt, why faith?
God has taught me it's okay to wonder and to question, and sometimes to not believe. In literature studies there is something called "a willing suspension of disbelief". It allows you to plunge into a text, to engage in it and learn from it despite the fact that in most cases you don't believe or know the account to be factual. You are open to the lessons you need to learn. You are humble. You are searching, always searching. Most of all, you check yourself; examine your own assumptions, examine your disbelief; you leave your pride at the door. It allows me to admit that my own knowledge is limited.
Limited, yes. Imperfect, yes. But gratefully so. After all, knowledge is still there, inside of me, in a way that can't really be explained. Knowledge is, above all, about your experiences, and if you've got one or maybe two, or maybe three of those experiences that you can't explain wrapped up inside of you, maybe you- like me-believe in gnosis too.
You are welcome to join me at the gratitude photo challenge.
8 comments:
thanks for this. I needed to hear it and feel okay about this time of doubt for me.
It's been a rough few years for me and my faith.
This is a great post. While I've been closer to owning the title of "atheist" or "agnostic" than you, I definitely feel that pool of deep paradox of knowledge and mystery. I just wish there was more room for discussion and embracing of doubt, not just in LDS culture but everywhere.
I read a while back about a new trend in "ignosticism" or the belief that while God exists, He is much bigger than we were meant to comprehend. That seems to violate Joseph Smith's teaching that the real purpose of life was to come to know God, or maybe it doesn't.
Anyway, thanks for your post and your honesty.
Sometimes I feel like the whole purpose of your posts are to teach me new vocab. Like your professor said "this week I want you to educate one of your ignorant friends on the meaning of gnosis." Assignment accomplished!
I am most grateful for my religion teaching me how to build a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have great respect for other religions that also help their members build a trusting relationship with their God. It is a wonderful thing to realize there is a purpose to things and someone of greater capacity watching over us.
My Patriarchal blessing says I was born with a knowledge of a Father in Heaven who loves me, and His Son Jesus Christ, and it's true. I've just always known and have never once had an ounce of doubt about that. (don't hate me, I know it's really not fair). But that hasn't kept me from royally messing up, or from requiring me to gain a testimony of other church doctrine.
I'm sure you have met people who seem to have lost the ability to think for themselves/ sometimes pray about decisions that should be rather obvious. I think God is very grateful that you haven't lost your desire to ponder things before formulating an opinion. =)
Nancy, I would never hate you for not having doubts! Actually, we have that in common: I've doubted lots of other things, but haven't doubted that God exists and Jesus loves me. Sometimes I've felt mystified by God or even angry with God, but that experience brought me closer in my relationship with our Heavenly Parents.
You and I share that appreciation of Mormonism. It is about forming a relationship between God and yourself through Christ.
Beautifully put!
You are one of my wisest friends. I am proud to know you.
I am glad to know that everyone goes through doubt. Honestly I don't talk about this much, but doubt has and continues to be a real struggle for me. Ever since I was old enough to start seriously questioning religion it has been a constant battle for me.
I appreciate and envy that for some "they just know" but the path is just more rocky for me. When I was a teenager I even considered myself agnostic for quite a while. The older I get the more complicated things become (partially due to my own stubborn opinions and partially due to studying religion in an academic context not taught by LDS or other religious leaders). It is hard being in the middle and having serious doubts about something that was essentially your whole life and culture as a child, and it is not talked about a lot either.
I honestly cried when I read Joanna's book and the way her Mormon pioneer ancestors inspired her to come back. It was this moment of clarity "I don't have to be perfect- pioneers smoked, drank tea and coffee, they were all still accepted on the trip West" moment for me. Sometimes it is our imperfections that allow us to relate to others and have the most opportunity for growth. I also believe that through struggle empathy and compassion for others is developed.
I would love to be this strong Mormon woman whose faith never wavered and held strong, but the simple truth is I am not. I am a stubborn red-headed all-questioning knowledge-seeking yet still awe-inspired daughter of Zion. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
I am just grateful that people like you are willing to be more open and honest about doubt and how much of a struggle it can be. I honestly think if religious groups can, as a culture, be more open about doubt a lot more young adults would feel comfortable in a church setting. Whatever the sect may be.
Dani, this was beautiful. I really like the way you put it: imperfect, doubting, we all belong, we ALL belong on the trek West.
Glad you're my cousin!
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