day of reckoning

So it's that time of year where I make new resolutions. But first I need to account for those of yesteryear, right? If not, I mean, what's the point? So I'll tick off the goals I had for the year and then tackle the nittier grittier task of accounting for how my theme of the year changed my year and, hopefully, how it changed me.

My 2012 goal list:
Let me preface this list by saying that our lives are a little more topsy-turvy and unpredictable than might be advisable. So some of the completion of these goals (they surely would have been completed, fear not) may have been intercepted by outside circumstances.

• graduate. the mightiest of checks must be assigned to this one. it took me like, seven years to graduate and i did it with a child starting at four months and ending at three years of age. i am absolutely happy and proud to have achieved this goal. 

• get into grad school. this also happened with a few setbacks. so far it's going well.

• get an A in stats. oh, and pass my other classes too. i actually achieved this goal as well. i have never been prouder of a grade in my life. and i passed my other classes too.

• * if you remember, this goal represented an announcement i wasn't yet ready to make. but i did in fact go on an internship to jordan and it was a marvelous, life-changing, unforgettable experience.

• garden. this was one of those goals interrupted by the vicissitudes of fate. our apartment in south jordan promised to be fertile ground for this goal, but we moved just after i had planted our carrots and radishes. when i came back from jordan i did plant some strawberries, squash, and tomatoes in buckets. only the strawberries and tomatoes produced though. i'm still working on the gardening-in-nyc-thing.  

• canning. i canned a thing or two. i believe i canned some apple sauce and tomato sauce and we quickly ate both. i actually bothered to bring my canning equipment with me to our new york city apartment, so i must not be done with this goal yet.

• do a single sewing project. I like to dream big, but if I commit to more than one I may be too intimidated to do even one. no, i didn't even do one. but i also bothered to bring my unused sewing machine with me, so apparently i'm not abandoning this goal just yet either.

• progress in violin. have I mentioned I've picked it up again? i did pick it up again. then i moved to jordan for two months. yet another thing i brought with me to new york city, but i haven't found the time or money to take lessons again and haven't been practicing on my own either. boo.

• shop more at farmer's markets and pick-your-owns. i did both of these, and i continue to try to do it here in new york city. shopping for local produce in jordan was breezy, and i loved frequenting a pick-your-own in provo when i returned. the farmers markets in my new locale are a favorite feature, though i'd like to buy more produce and less yummy treats.

• make cheese and yogurt. from scratch. no to the cheese, but i learned to make homemade yogurt and i continue to do so because it's so easy and economical. cheese would be fun though, and i'm not saying no to this in my future.

• change my name officially to Bracken-Hull. i'm still debating this one. it's a complicated decision.

• be more honest about who I am. this might mean some scary admissions concerning mormon feminism. be ye warned. i think this goal has been generally met and i think i have become less fearful about sharing where i stand and don't stand on this and other topics. 

Now for my larger theme of celebrating. I didn't execute this goal as I had initially thought I would. I thought I would start celebrating all kinds of new holidays and snazzing up those I usually ignored until the very last minute. To some degree, this is what happened. I did in fact celebrate a holiday I hadn't in the past, but had always wanted to, and I plan to continue with this tradition every year from now on. I also marked the passage of some holidays that I had previously ignored or dismissed. I quickly realized, however, that I agree wholeheartedly with Gretchen Rubin in Happier at Home (2012) when she says "I love traditions--but I dislike hassle. I could barely keep up with the big traditions we already celebrated (not to mention the demands of ordinary life)" (p. 177).  Adding more to your plate doesn't necessarily equal a more celebratory spirit. 

I realized halfway through the year that two of my special interests--mindfulness and minimalism--truly captured what I had wanted to experience by making "celebrate" my theme of the year. I don't believe that more equals better, more memorable, or special. I don't think that adding more to our plates helps us appreciate what we already have on our plates to a better degree. Adding more occasions to celebrate didn't make me more mindful or appreciative of the occasions I already had to celebrate. For the record, I am not opposed to adding new occasions to our celebrating repertoire. I just think they should be added more methodically and thoughtfully than my first haphazard attempts were. So for the most part, I abandoned that early vision of my project. Also, due to my minimalist streak, I generally don't like celebrating by accumulating more stuff. So Derrick and I both added cooking--something nourishing, useful, fun, and delicious--as our largest way of commemorating special occasions.

 I also tried to be more mindful of the passing moments; of moments that would never come again in just this way. As I wrote elsewhere, my time in Jordan taught me to practice a little more carpe diem and YOLO and I have memories from the experience I will always treasure. But being in Jordan also helped me recognize how easy it is to take for granted my moments of precious time with my family. Part of mindfulness and minimalism is prioritizing. Everything presents a choice, even what to celebrate. For instance, celebrate my return from Jordan with more much-needed time with my family? Or by achieving a goal that might pay off in the future? Even now, even though I would dearly like to be more confident in my Spanish-speaking abilities, I am satisfied that I made the right choice for me. And I also know that other opportunities to work on my Spanish can be readily available if I prioritize it in the future, whereas being with my daughter at that moment when she needed me and I needed her after our long separation, was a fleeting moment in time.
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Another unlikely discovery I made was the importance of  recording our celebrations and experiences. Gretchen Rubin writes about "spending out" as happiness-inducing. I resisted it. Greatly. But then I read this article about how spending money on experiences, not things, can be a great addition to happiness. This I could get on board with. But the article also mentioned that the memory of those experiences can pay off in happiness dividends later down the road. I have to say that the unexpected gift of an iphone (from my FIL) after my return from Jordan has payed off in happiness dividends and helped me be more mindful of passing moments so I can celebrate them more. Having a camera and video recorder always handy has been a fantastic boon to my theme this year, as weird as it sounds. 

I didn't know when I made "celebrate" my theme of the year all the changes that the year would bring for me and my family. Looking back, I see my choice of theme as prodigious. To live in New York without being mindful of the passing moments and opportunities would be a crying shame. And to live here without recording those moments would be equally egregious. But these things would be just as woeful in Jordan, or Budapest, or London, or tiny-town USA. Celebrating means loving life. Remembering how finite we are and how finite are those around us. Keeping a record of our tiny space here on earth and in time. It means we allow ourselves to enjoy the good life: eating good food; seeing new things; meeting new people; nurturing valued relationships; honoring beloved rituals and traditions; starting new ones; learning; and allowing ourselves to expand through our love, knowledge and experiences. I've certainly expanded this year, and it's been wonderful.